rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
