Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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