Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
