Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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