then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
