All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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