I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
soo... how was my night?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
