Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
