He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
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