There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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