Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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