I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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