I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
