You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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