my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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