Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
