You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
