She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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