I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
