i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
