chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
