i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
