Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
