Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
