Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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