Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
