he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
