census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
