Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My cat gives me a boner
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
