I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he's gonorrhea incarnate
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
