3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
