At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
