hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is wine microwaveable?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
