I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My feet surprised me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
