I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
