Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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