Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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