I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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