She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
