I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
