If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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