Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
