sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My penis needs a shock collar
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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