yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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