I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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