everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
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