Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
