I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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