Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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