she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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