I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
