dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
