I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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