i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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