if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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