do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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