So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
