I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
